Another Hero Gone

Yesterday began as a normal day with a large to-do list, yet here I was flying to San Diego.  Airport security was tight, lots more police, officers with dogs.  I knew September 11th had kicked things up a notch

My mind went back to September 11th, 10 years ago.  My sister had called me and told me to turn on the TV.  In horror I watched the images unfold of unfathomable scenes.  I called in to work and told them I would not be in, they wondered why I needed to stay home when this was happening in New York.  My answer was simple - my parents were still in the air.  The hours were agonizing as my family tried to find out where my parent's flight was. They were coming back from a trip to Hamburg, Germany.  They were diverted to Canada.  No one told them what was going on.  All they knew is they landed, their luggage was checked and sniffed and they were put up in a resort.  I remember my mom calling me to tell us how beautiful her room was. We told her to turn on the TV.  Days later they would be dropped off at the airport in Chicago.  My dad would decide to drive back to San Diego.

That is the kind of man my dad was.  He saw a problem, quietly examined all the possible solutions and then moved forward.  He could make a gadget to make a job easier like no one else.  If he had patented any he would have been a rich man.  I remember when he was building a swing set in our backyard.  When we discovered the slide was in the wrong place, he figured out a way to build it reversed. My dad was a marine, a problem solver, there was nothing that would stop him - until he was diagnosed with cancer less than a month after September 11th.

On my flight yesterday, I had the same feeling I did when we didn't know where they would land. The ominous feeling of when would we know they would be safe.  I shared this by my dad's bedside today as we sat holding his hand, waiting for God to call him home.   I said this time he would land some place much better than Canada.  This morning at 11:45 a.m. the feeling went away.  He was safely in God's arms - he was home.  It was not a coincidence that today God would call him home.  September 11th is a day I will remember  for losing another hero - my dad.

2 Chronicles 20:12 "Our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”

Am I able to do this?

I have come to realize, by recent events, that a simple letter from a health insurance carrier stating a ridiculous rate increase can cause me to be disheartened and realize my journey in trust is still in the early stages.  I feel like the show Wipeout. There I stand victorious only to have some ridiculous item come up from behind and blindside me hurling me off from where I once stood.

I am not sure if health insurance companies are part of the fall, or controlled by the devil - but it sure seems that way sometimes.  "Dear consumer, thank you for taking care of yourself, for exercising, moving to generic medications, making healthy decisions and seeing your doctor less often.  As a well-deserved reward, we are going to jack up your rates next month. Thank you for your patronage. Sincerely, Your insurance carrier".

So I am reading in Matthew 9:27-31.  Two blind men are following Jesus crying out to be healed.  He turns to them and says "Do you believe I am able to do this?"  They emphatically answer YES! "....according to your faith it will be done to you."

So my question for today is:  Do I believe that God is able to ____________________ (overcome health insurance premiums or whatever the crisis of the day is)?  I must confess often my answer is YES, followed with a but...........

Today I will remind myself God is able and I need to have faith and trust!

Go out and face_________________

My concordance in my Bible ran out of references to "trust" and so I decided to venture onto the word "faith" as they go hand in hand, and look for stories of trust and faith.   I ran across 2 Chronicles 20 with  the story of Jehoshaphat (don't have too many parents naming their kids that!).  He was the king of Judah and the chapter speaks of (in my layman's terms) how some different armies decided "hey let's attack Judah".  There was no way possible that Judah could match the power and size of the onslaught of armies - it was overwhelming - and insurmountable. The only thing they could do was pray that God deliver them and that's what they did.

A prophet came forward and said in verse 17 "Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you, O Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

I will let you read for yourself how God miraculously delivered Judah and defeated the armies, but what struck me was the phrase "Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you."

While I do not face a literal army focused on my defeat, sometimes our problems can feel that way.  We feel under attack or overwhelmed and have no idea how to defeat the insurmountable issues at hand. Whether it is financial issues, an overwhelming workload, personal attacks, strained relationships, health problems we can follow Judah's example and pray for deliverance knowing that God hears our prayers.

I do not know your struggles or what your week holds, but I say (insert your name here) go out and face (insert your struggle here) tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you!

A Different Kind of Love Story

An emergency room is a strange place to fall in love but that is where it happened. Lying on a gurney, alone, in a rural hospital ER, I fell in love with the baby I was carrying. That moment transformed the way I lived my life.


This was my second pregnancy, an eight year gap from her sister’s birth. During those eight years I concluded one child was all we were meant to have. I knew my husband wanted more children. The murmurs and gossip of the women of our church certainly shared their concerns that I had only one child. After monthly disappointments of no pregnancy and false alarms, I resolved that one child was wonderful and I was fine with that. I avoided the subject and became defensive when it was brought up. I focused on family, work and serving in the community. More importantly I focused on what I wanted to do. I was thriving on the adrenaline of being constantly on the go. I would adjust my work hours to squeeze in a few hours a week of volunteer time before I picked up my daughter from school. I fit in more time to volunteer during evenings throughout the week. I was living the lie that women can do it all. In fact, I was probably keeping myself busy in order to not ask myself the question if I was really okay with only one child.

When I found I was pregnant, I was almost shocked. After such a long period of nothing – why now? I was determined that this pregnancy wouldn’t slow me down. I was quite content with the way I was living my life and the freedom that having an older child gave me. Nothing would slow me down. I could do it all.

With this mantra, I didn’t hesitate to volunteer to counsel at my second youth camp that summer. I was four months into my pregnancy and had not missed a beat. I had proven myself right. I could keep doing everything I wanted. This child would not slow me down. I prepared for a fun week of counseling a cabin of high school girls.

Two days into the camp, we participated in what could best be described as an adventure game. Each of the counselors was to play a role. My role was to seek out and “arrest” unwary campers and bring them to jail. In the darkness of the camp I was able to surprise a number of campers. I was quite enjoying my role and playing it to the full. Then a strange sensation caused me to hurry back to my cabin. When I stepped into the light of the cabin, I realized that I was soaked with blood. I had started to bleed heavily. I was in a panic – alone, bleeding in my cabin, while the rest of the camp continued to play. I heard footsteps nearing my cabin and yelled to the camper who came by to go and find my husband, who was also there counseling.

In a blur of events, I was rushed down the mountain to the closest hospital. It was a small community hospital with one doctor. They had no ultrasound or other equipment. All they could do was draw blood to see if I was still pregnant. In the eerie stillness of my room, I laid on the gurney awaiting test results to see if I had miscarried. My list of what I wanted to accomplish and keep doing for myself evaporated. The only item on my list was this baby.

A song that was sung at the camp continued to go through my head and became my prayer. The chorus went something like, “Lord, my God, you are a shield about me. You’re my savior. You’re the lifter of my head.” I was drowning in my emotions and fears – I needed my head lifted so I would not be consumed. In the stillness of my room, with only the beeps of monitors, I’ve never felt such an intense love for someone unseen before. I vowed to change if given the chance. I hugged my slightly swollen belly in an attempt to hug this baby, my child whom I might never see.

The test results came back. I had not miscarried. I was driven down the mountain to self-imposed bed rest at home until I could see my doctor who was out of town. Two agonizing days later I arrived in his office, anxious to find out if we could pick up a heartbeat. That heartbeat was the most blessed sound I ever heard. It was a love song.

From that moment on, I made changes to my life to slow down and balance what was important. Issues during my pregnancy helped prompt this response. Frequent back pain and early contractions if I stood for periods of time, forced me to sit and rest. Previously I would have viewed these as a frustrating inconvenience, now I saw it as a pretty physical reminder of what was important. My husband and I set aside money so that I could take six months off from work after the birth. She was born on Good Friday. Her sister helped name her Stephanie.

During those six months off, some days were spent with my baby girl lying on the bed and me just marveling at the gift she was. I enjoyed my first summer off with my oldest daughter and realized what I had been missing in my quest to do everything. Old habits were hard to break, but my family became my priority not only in word, but in action. Little did I know at the time how these new principles would be played out--less than two years later I gave birth to twins!

So while an ER is a strange place to fall in love, my love story had a wonderful beginning. That day saved me from myself. Whenever I feel out of balance, I think back to that day and how a little baby transformed my life by love.

(in honor of my daughter Stephanie who turns a wonderful 20 today!)

What are Blessings?

In my journey of trust, I realize that so many other words are invovled - faith, contentment and even blessings.  It is easy to feel sometimes when things don't seem to go our way that we are missing out on God's blessings.  When I am stuck in a rut of thinking, I like to try to approach it (or sometimes my prayers) from a different angle. What if my struggles and trials ARE God's blessings? What if the reason I feel my prayers aren't being answered is because I am limiting God in what I am praying?  What if what God desires is truly, as scripture says, more than an I can hope or imagine? Maybe He needs to change my heart, to change my perspective, to change my prayer.  A song I heard on our local radio station http://www.ksbj.org/, really struck me in my examination of this:

Blessings

Artist: Laura Story
Album: Blessings

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
As long as we have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Overflowing

As a mom the word "overflowng" can take on a good and bad connotation.  Hearing a child yell "Mom, it's overflowing!" are not words that will make your day. But I have been fortunate in that word has appeared twice in the last week to bring encouragement.

Our twins turned 18 last week.  The celebration with our family was wonderful - laughter, reminiscing, joking.  I told Robert I wanted to take the whole evening, wad it up and tuck it away into my heart to treasure.  While society would tell us (or scream to us) that wealth is the key to success and happiness - this moment spoke the opposite. While our bank account to medical bill ratio is often out of whack, we are OVERFLOWING in the richest blessings of all.

Today, as I'm continuing my reading on trust, it was as if God took a highlighter and affirmed the point.

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

That is my prayer today.  Are you lacking in joy, peace and hope?  Maybe you need to trust Him more!

Following the Trail

Last week I had a rather bizarre ambition - to find and photograph trail riders heading the Houston Rodeo.  Since moving here 6 years ago, I had heard of the trail riders and thought it would be fun for this California girl to see.  When I found one group was in our area, I headed out on my trek.  I lucked out early on and spotted them on the road going the opposite direction.  I anticipated their route and waited in a parking lot. Nothing.  I decided to head home only to see the motorcycle officers that led the group near our neighborhood.  Once again, I anticipated their trail and waited. Nothing. That's when I decided to just head home and maybe check the Internet to see if they had their route posted. Sure enough there it was! This time I drove to a park I "knew" they would go past. There I was with camera in hand, just me and a maintenance worker their to clean the bathrooms.  Not only did they go past me, the came in right behind me as they gathered in the parking lot for a rest stop.  Mission accomplished.

It reminded me of how these tendencies are seen in my walk with God.  I see a situation and anticipate where He is going, run ahead in anticipation and "camp out" waiting. Often disappointment comes when He doesn't show up on my schedule.  It is the realization and understanding that God is the leader of the "trail rider"; He knows where He is going and my responsibility is to seek, follow and read the instruction He has left for me in His Word.  While finding trail riders is fun, I know that seeking after what God desires is going to be so much more fulfillling!

".....for the Lord searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts.  If you seek him, he will be found by you."  1 Chronicles 28:96

Wadding up the List

When it comes to trusting God it is sometimes quite the quandary.  It sounds so simple "trust in God". And so I sit trusting in God, all the while jotting notes on "my" list of how He is going to respond to whatever trust issue I seem to be having that day.  It's a very nice list, neatly written, thoughtful, insightful, creative - I have considered all the ways God will prevail in my circumstance.  I even have a wonderful timeline and order in which things need to happen.  I say I am trusting in God and sit happily by with pencil poised, ready to begin checking off the list.

The only problem is - God doesn't need my list.  I find that often I am trusting and finding comfort more in my list, than in God - who can do and  is capable of doing all!  More often than not, my list is the source of doubt, and discouragement.  My list, whether on paper or in my mind, limits the very being of God and the very essence of what He may be trying to accomplish in my circumstances.  If I refer to my notes, I scrawl out what I perceive to be God's purpose - but that can be so far from the facts!

Two verses drive that home that "ironically" I was led to read recently.
   "Who ever trust in his riches will fall, but the righteous will thrive like green grass" Proverbs 11:28
   "He who trusts in himself is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom is kept safe." Proverbs 28:26

As I wad up my list, I am left with more questions than I started with.  I guess that's where I need to trust God for the answers with no paper or pencils in sight.

Bring it On

What is the value of trust if there is nothing at stake? What trust is needed when things are going well and there is no risk?
"jump over this puddle, trust me you can do it" very little trust needed and a no brainer
"jump over this canyon, trust me you can do it" - that is the true test and may leave you curled up in a ball at the canyon's edge wanting to cry.

But God continues to whisper "trust me".

Today I hit a theoretical canyon the details of which I do not chose to divulge (and no it is not anything life threatening if your mind leaps there).  If my initial response was a test, I failed miserably. My mind raced with solutions "I could do" or just retreat in defeat and yet God whispers "trust me". 

The verses I landed on today were in Psalms 32:10 "Many are the woes of the wicked, but the Lord's unfailing love surrounds the man who trusts in him."  I  have to admit my first thought was "Lord I need more than love" but then I realized the vastness that God's love is for me - it means He understands my fragile emotions (He created me after all) and He continues to consistently say "trust me".

Reading the entire Psalm brings even more perspective:
"You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."
and what are those songs?
"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go. I will counsel you and watch over you."

And so as I pick myself up from the canyon's edge,  I can't help but remember a rather obscure movie reference from "The Emperor's New Groove" (odd I know). At one point the llama (I said it was odd) was being pursued by a pack of wolves to the edge of cliff.  A  friend swinging from a vine saves him just in time. Hooray. Then the vine snaps and they careen off the mountain........ only to have the vine catch on a branch.  Safe again.  The branch breaks and they fall again but land safely in the river. Then they hear a sound.
"Raging waterfall?"
"yep"
"Jagged rocks below?"
"no doubt"
"Bring it on"

Trust is realizing you are helpless and can't imagine how the feat will be accomplished.  Bring it on.

"Recalculating"

A while back we purchased a GPS navigation system for our van.  Since I am a Realtor, I have come to realize that it is important to know where you are going.  For some reason clients expect this - and getting lost is not an option - not to mention embarrassing. We fondly refer to our GPS as "the lady" and have even added a British accent to her so we feel very international.

Since acquiring "the lady", there has been an additional battle of the wills as I drive.  On more than one occasion  I have doubted her abilities to take me on the quickest route.  Having driven certain routes frequently, I feel I know better than her and her fancy satellite as to which is the best and quickest way.  More than a few times I have decided to go my own way, only to send her on a "recalculating" frenzy.  Unfortunately, this has often led me to sit in traffic.  Apparently, the magic of the GPS knew this and was trying to steer me away from the aggravation.  It all comes down to how much trust I have in "the lady".

As with many everyday things, I find a spiritual message within it.  My attitude of "I know best" isn't limited to driving.  In my own spiritual walk I question where God is leading, since foolishly I feel  I know better.  When the path seems to be taking a turn to somewhere that wasn't in my imagined plan, or seem the quickest route, I begin to doubt and question.  Sometimes I even go down that path, but God never "recalculates"  He is always consistent in showing the way to go. Once we arrive at His destination for me, the route was always worth it!

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  Proverbs 3:5,6

Trust me

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God., trust also in me"  John 14:1

When our kids were growing up we learned that if you spilled the beans about an upcoming trip or activity, you would regret it.  The excitement and anticipation was almost too much for them as they would bounce off the walls having no concept of time or logistics. The disappointment if we had to cancel was crushing with lots of whining; and pity the child who's illness caused the cancellation.  We developed a strategy to wait until the very last moment.  We would gather them and tell them they needed to get ready and how they should dress. "where are we going?"  "Trust me" was our response. Only until we were all in the car would we divulge our destination. Any questions were answered simply with "trust me".  Soon just the phrase "trust me" would invigorate them to get ready quickly, they knew something great was in store for them.

As I read the above passage, my mind jumped back to those days when we told our kids "trust me".  If our kids could trust us, certainly I can trust God when He says the same.  The verse gives us a barometer to check to see if we are really trusting "Do not let your hearts be troubled."  Are you worried, anxious, troubled, fretting? "Trust in God".  It sounds so simple, and yet we struggle with it so much.

Other questions come to mind....if I'm not trusting God who am I placing my trust in? Myself, my spouse, my kids, my job, the economy?  The only one who is unchangeable is God, He can be trusted. Who knows what adventure He has in store for us!

Driving lessons with God

I am a journaler.  It is my way of sharing with God my thoughts, questions and prayers.  It is frequently in those times I am listening for a word from God - this year He gave me an actual word "trust".  If you'd read my past journal entries (which I am not going to share here) you would see that this is a recurrent theme. Trusting God to the things He has promised.  You would think by now I would have learned those lessons - so to ingrain them I am spending some of my time with God specifically learning about trust.

"In repentance and rest is you salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength." Isaiah 30:15

Just a few short lines but so powerful.  Repentance and rest - to examine my life and through the power of the Spirit repent - confess that I've blown it and  began a new path.  It is when my conscience is clear that I find rest.  It is when I am confident that God will do what He says that gives me rest - I don't need to pre-think/over examine/stress or worry.  I can rest knowing that God is God.

"Quietness and trust is your strength"  as I pondered the meaning of this statement a visual came to mind.  Remembering what it was like to teach my kids to drive.  When we first hit the road I would verbalize all potential hazards, things for them to be aware of, reminders of lessons taught.  I would find myself gripping the armrest "just in case".  As I grew more confident in their driving and trusted their abilities I relaxed. I could enjoy the ride engaging in conversation knowing that we would arrive at our destination safely.

Sometimes I think I flash back to that "instructor" mode with God! I point out things to Him "don't you see that!"  At times I find myself stepping on an imaginary brake or wanting to grab the wheel.  It all comes down to trust.  If I truly trust God, I can rest quietly conversing with Him knowing that even though it seems to me He has taken a wrong turn, is going too fast, or too slow I have the confidence that we will arrive at the correct destination.

What's Your Spritual BMI?

"Like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation, now that you have tasted that the Lord is good." 1 Peter 1:2,3

This verse came to mind in a discussion with a friend of mine the other day. While my being around new born babies days are almost 18 years behind me, I do remember that NOTHING would satisfy a hungry baby but milk. No amount of walking, bouncing, or substitute would do - it had to be the real deal or they let you know.

Our conversation also made reflect on an article I had written for some gals I was discipling a LONG time ago. It was so long ago we called it "discipleship:" and not mentoring and even so long ago my page was typed is probably on a floppy disc somewhere. So I dug through my files and am reprinting it for what it is worth.

Spiritual Nutrition

The Bible talks about the Word of God as spiritual food. If we look at this example, and pull similarities from nutrition and physical health to relate it to reading/studying/feeding on the Word and spiritual health we can gain some new truths and insights. As you read these examples, evaluate where you are. Are you spiritually fit? Are you eating properly?

MALNOURISHED
Eats very little or nothing at all. What is consumed may or may not be what is needed for proper nutrition.
Results: Little or no appetite. What is consumed is not digest well at first. Lack of energy. Highly susceptible to disease. May effect judgment and mental functions.

OBESE
Intake of food unbalanced. Has little or no exercise. Tends to snack as opposed to eating balanced consistent meals.
Results: Overweight. Lack of energy and prone to apathy. Moderately susceptible to disease. Easily tired. Excessive weight puts strain on the body.

IN SHAPE
Eats regular and balanced meals. Exercises regularly
Results: Good energy level. Healthy appearance. If illness attacks, recovers quickly. Alert.

ANOREXIC
Sees self as overweight. Eats very little in comparison to activity or exercise. Feels motivation to do more to burn up calories rather than eat.
Results: Highly susceptible to disease. See malnourished. Could have severe results unless treated. May appear thin and "in shape" to others initially

BULIMIC
Does not eat in a balanced regular manner. Has a tendency to binge eat in large quantities. What is eaten is purged and no nutrition to the body results.
Results: See malnourished. Susceptible to disease. Could have severe results unless treated.

The above is more of clinical analysis of eating (from a lay persons perspective), but on closer observation it can be seen how we duplicate this in the spiritual realm. We can "snack" on things we like to hear in the Bible. Reading and rereading the same passages, or just not digging in to what God really wants to say. To "snack" takes little time, effort or thought.

Our spiritual exercise can be seen as serving God. Doing the work of the gospel .... ministry. Listening to God and his Word and "doing what it says" (James 1:22) However, without proper feeding on the Word of God we can be brought to disastrous results.

To be spiritually bulimic can be visualized in my mind as taking in the Word through our own personal times in the Word or hearing it spoken. Instead of letting it provide nourishment in our souls, we tend to purge it right back out again on others. (not a pretty visual). If we feel a real lack of nourishment, instead of gaining a healthy pattern we tend to binge out....grasping everywhere, and anywhere for the Word.

As in our physical bodies we can carry on quite well for awhile. Our lack of nutrition, or spiritual fitness, may not be evident to others. The disease in our spiritual life may come in many forms.....doubts, struggles, discouragements, attacks from Satan. How these effect us and how quickly we can respond comes from how fit we are. Ephesians 6:17 tells us to take "the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God." It is a weapon for our defense. As our physical bodies need a balance or rest, nutrition and exercise, so does our spiritual body. I remember a speaker sharing to envision our lives as a cup. The Holy Spirit is to fill us up. When the struggles come along and bump us full of God people splash. Those who are filling themselves with something else complain.

So what shape are you in? What is your spiritual BMI? No quick fixes here - it takes time and discipline.....but it is worth it!